


Anything

by Alenacantfly



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drabble, M/M, Thorin searches for his father, kinda break up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2015-09-16
Packaged: 2018-03-03 09:06:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 4,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2845568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alenacantfly/pseuds/Alenacantfly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He still didn't quite understand what had happened. One moment it all had been fine. And then Thorin had closed off, shut him out and told him that there was something he had to take care of. Alone. It had been months. At first he stopped calling every night. Then even the weekly calls ended. He stopped calling at all. Every now and then letters arrived. From foreign countries, too far away. Always so far away.</p><p>He once asked Thorin why he couldn't go with him. Why he had to leave him behind. </p><p>"It's no break up. It's not permanent. Please, I just have to do this. It's too dangerous for you."</p><p>(Happy ending though)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> When I started writing this I wasn't feeling too well and I guess it shows  
> And I had no idea where this was going

Bilbo was wandering through the streets alone, moving through the crowd without really paying any attention to where he was going.

 _Christmas._ It was Christmas. Wasn't he supposed to feel cheery? Coozy? Happy? Excited?

Wasn't he supposed to feel something? Anything?

Since Thorin had left this feeling hadn't changed. So why should he feel different on Christmas?

He still didn't quite understand what had happened. One moment it all had been fine. And then Thorin had closed off, shut him out and told him that there was something he had to take care of. Alone. It had been months. At first he stopped calling every night. Then even the weekly calls ended. He stopped calling at all. Every now and then letters arrived. From foreign countries, too far away. Always so far away. 

He once asked Thorin why he couldn't go with him. Why he had to leave him behind. 

"It's no break up. It's not permanent. Please, I just have to do this. It's too dangerous for you."

He told him that he was sick of it after six months, after Thorin stopped calling weekly and was now calling monthly. Thorin said that staying in contact was difficult. That he had to focus on other things. 

It had felt like a punch into the gut.

He told him that he couldn't do this anymore after ten months. Thorin had agreed. He had told him to take care and Thorin had wished him all the best.

The letters never stopped though. They came from all across the world. 

China/ten months  
 _I hope you are doing okay. I'm getting closer._

Japan/twelve months  
 _I can't stop writing you. And I miss your voice. But I can't call you, the desire to be back with you would grow to strong. I hope you have moved on with your life. You should. I don't want to hold you back._

Australia/fourteen months  
 _I was so close today._

New Zealand/fourteen months and two weeks  
 _I still dream about you. Has you hair grown longer? Did it become lighter during the summer? Do you still think about me? Have you met someone new? Do your lips still taste like strawberries?_

New Zealand/fourteen months and three weeks  
 _I have found him. I will rescue him at all costs.  
I love you_

The letters had stopped. And Bilbo had buried all hope.

But there was a single letter in his postbox today. He teared it open and read it with shaking hands. Tears blured his vision and the world spun all around him as he read the four words.

_We are coming home._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The drabbles continue...

_We are coming home. ___

Bilbo didn't knew what to make of that. After months of waiting and longing he would finally get what he wanted. He did want to hold Thorin in his arms, didn't he? He wanted his lover back, safely and finally back home.

But Thorin had left him. Without an explanation and without glancing back and Bilbo had been so worried about him. Thorin had made him feel like he was precious, something good and desirable, something worth holding onto.

And then he had left. And he had taken eveything that had been bright and happy in Bilbo's life with him.

So more than anything else, more than kissing him, holding him, hearing his voice again, Bilbo wanted an explanation. And maybe, possibly, punch him in the face.

But how could he do this? How could he just disappear? And calling and sending postcards does not count as keeping in touch. So after being gone for over a year, was Thorin even referring to this house, Bilbo's home as his own home? Did he even mean that when he said that he was coming home?

But he didn't say he was coming home, did he? No he said ' _we ___are coming home'.

He was bringing the one he left Bilbo for home. The thought that there was someone so much more important to him than Bilbo stung.

But who was he to judge? He had tried to forget Thorin. But nothing had worked.  
He tried distracting himself with pretty faces, but noboy had come close. His stubble had been too smooth, his eyes too dark, his voice not deep enough, there was always something missing.  
They all weren't perfect, they weren't Thorin.  
And then he tried drowning his longing and memories in alcohol. But the whiskey had tasted like their first kiss and it had burned all the way down to his stomach.

The christmas holidays were a blur. Bilbo spent most of his time thinking about Thorin, his mind going in circles over and over again. He hadn't said when he was coming home. It could be tomorrow, in a week or in a month.

When the bell finally rang the day before New Year's eve Bilbo honestly didn't know what to feel. He hadn't seen his lover in so long that all his longing, wishing, loathing seemed to pour out of him the moment he opened the door.

He felt dizzy, Thorin voice echoing in his head. _Oh, had he missed that voice! ___  
"Bilbo?“, Thorin asked softly and Bilbo did the first thing that came into his mind.

After over a year of missing his beloved, Bilbo punched him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to all the lovely people that commented on the previous chapter.  
> (And special thanks to Antesqueluz for giving me the idea of Bilbo punching Thorin)
> 
> Thanks for reading.  
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated, as always.


	3. Chapter 3

For a moment Bilbo entertained the thought of shutting the door into Thorin's face. Thorin, who was staring at him like he didn't recognise him, was rubbing his shoulder, where Bilbo had punched him.

"I guess I deserved that", he offered.

Bilbo swallowed and nodded. Stealing himself, he asked:"Where is, I mean you left for... Why did you leave, Thorin?"

"I want you to meet someone." _Please, god, no. ___Thorin wouldn't bring his new lover to meet Bilbo, would he?

He wouldn't. Bilbo couldn't bear the thought of it. 

"Bilbo, please, are you listening? I didn't mean to leave you. And I never meant to hurt you, but sometimes there are greater things in this world and I..."

He knew that he was shaking, barely containing himself, but this-  
 _is worse than he imagined ___

"It was my duty. Do you understand? It was my duty to find him. To save him. Bilbo, I would like you to meet my father, Thrain." Thorin moved aside and waved at someone to come closer.

The shorter man watched paralysed as he watched Thrain step into his sight. He was shorter than Thorin and older. His hair had grown grey and he looked ill, his face grey and his body too skinny. He looked ike he had been homeless for quite a while, Bilbo thought.

"Father, this is Bilbo." The older man looked Bilbo up and down, his grey eyes hard, but not unkind. "My son caused you a lot of grief by disappearing. I cannnot change that. And I am so sorry that Thorin had to chose between us."

Carefully chosing his words as both father and son were watching him, Bilbo answered:"I understand that the family comes first, always. I don't understand why Thorin wasn't able to keep in contact, why he had to be so secretive. I don't undertsnad why he couldn't take me with him. I don't understand why I wasn't enough." The familiar desperation had seeped into his voice again and he knew it, but he couldn't stop the words from coming out once he had started.  
"I don't understand why you told me to move on. I don't understand why you came back to me. I don't understand why you never stopped writing me. I don't understand why you were gone for so long. I don't understand why I should still let you back in, but yet. Yet- I-"

Thorin's face twisted in that beautiful sorrowfilled way and he glanced back at his father. Thrain nodded and took a step back. "You obviously have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah, that we do."

Thorin flinched. "Bilbo-"

"Just come inside. We really need to talk about it." Blibo's voice had grown distant and tired. He didn't have to turn around and look into Thorin's face to see it closing off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back! (And I am so sorry this took me so long. The chapters are short enough at it is)  
> Thank you for reading.  
> I guess this will continue as short drabbes (and I have honestly no idea how to turn this into a longer fic, so there you go)
> 
> Also; I survived this half-year and get my grades tomorrow. So I kinda have a study break now :)


	4. Chapter 4

The silence was almost unbearable, stretching until Bilbo couldn't take it anymore. But he wouldn't be the one to break it first. If he opened his mouth now he had no idea what would come out first; his longing or his dread. He wasn't going to take the risk.

Thorin was watching him, carefully, his facial expressions frozen in an unreadable mask. Bilbo had forgotten how to read him. But maybe Thorin wasn't able to read him either. He cleared his throat, hoped that his face was closed off and raised an eyebrow. "So?"

He wanted his control to break. He wanted him to snap. The realisation hit him. Bilbo wanted to see his face twist in raw emotion, wanted to feel Thorin as helpless as he had felt.  
"No roses? No begging on your knees? No cheesy apology letter? Just you. You showing up here, you coming _home ___."

Bilbo took a deep breath, let the slience work for him, before he continued. "What gives you the right to call this your home? What gives you the right to come here after everything you put me through?"

Thorin's control was starting to slip, they both knew it. And Bilbo found he quite liked having this kind of power over him. "What makes you think I haven't moved on?"

Now he was being cruel. He knew it. He couldn't help it. The silence stretched between them, Thorin's expression growing more pained by the second.

"Bilbo, please."

Thorin's whimper was enough to unfasten the storm boiling inside of him. "Please, what?", he snapped. "What do you want from me? Havent you had enogh? Haven't I given you enough? My heart, my trust? My faith? My future? What else do you want?" He was growing quite frantic. "Wasn't I enough? Didnt you trust me enough? Didn't you hurt me enough? What else do you want?!" He screamed at Thorin, who was still sitting unmoving on the couch.

Bilbo sank back into his seat, exhausted and worn out. "Why are still here, Thorin?"

"To explain."

"Oh, please. Enlighten me", Bilbo mocked. "Family comes first and you didn't even care about me enough to tell me where or why you left. Or maybe you didn't trust me enough? Who knows with you?" The shorter man laughed bitterly.

"I hurt you."

Bilbo hated how formal Thorin sounded. "No shit", he spat.

Thorin flinched. "And I am sorry. But please, you have to understand that I never intended to stay away from you for so long. And I never meant to hurt you." His voice was wavering, but his face was still so closed off, Bilbo wanted to scream.

"Well, that worked beautifully, didn't it?"

"Stop!", Thorin nearly roared. "Stop it!"

_There we go_ , Bilbo thought. 

_Let's get angry. ___  



	5. Chapter 5

"How many times do you want me to apologise? I can't take back what I did and I wouldn't want to! It was the right thing to do!", Thorin yelled. "So what do you want from me?"

"I don't know! I don't now what I want from you. I want everything to go back as it was." Bilbo held Thorin's gaze. "But I'm not sure if we can just go back."

"So what?", Thorin snapped. 

Bilbo shrugged. He wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"This is it?", Thorin asked quietly and bowed his head.

"No, I just- I don't know. And I know this isn't fair to you, but-" Bilbo trailed off helplessly. "Stay here for tonight and tomorrow you have to explain in detail and I will not take 'no' for an answer, okay?" He was suddenly exhausted, all emotions drained from him.

"Yeah, I-" Thorin nodded, his face a blank mask again. "I can do that."

Apparently Thorin had brought the few clothes he had taken with him back to their house. He put his bag down on the couch and looked up at Bilbo. They were tiptoeing around each other, careful not to break the peace.

"I guess I'll seep on the couch?"

Bilbo nodded. A sleeping, pliant, open Thorin in his bed wasn't something he had the energy to deal with right now.

"I can order takeout? I mean I could, I'm too tired to cook and there is this great chinese place that opened a few months ago..."

Thorin nodded, the tension leaving his shoulders. "Sounds great."

 

"So, erm, what happened to my stuff?" 

Bilbo almost choked and couldn't even cover his cough. "Your stuff, I erm-"

"You threw it out." It's a simple statement, no accusation behind it. "Of course."

Bilbo suddenly feels like he needs to justify himself, becaue he didn't just _throw them out. ___

"Most of your stuff is stored away."

"Most of my stuff?" Thorin's lips had titled up the tiniest bit, the barest hint of a teasing smile curling around his mouth.

"Some things I couldn't bear keeping, I-" Bilbo's mind wandered if to the silver shirt Thorin had given him for their anniversary, to the pictures of them that had hung in the bedroom, the sheets that had still smelled like Thorin months after he had left...

He had burned them. One night he had come home drunk, just wanting to forget, but he couldn't and-

The decision had been too easy.

"Some of our things, the ones with the memories, y'know? I burned them." He shrugged and kept his gaze firmly fixed on his plate.

"Our photos are gone."

Bilbo nodded without looking up. He finished eating and silence and got up to put his plate in the sink, but Thorin reached out and stopped him with a hand curled around his wrist.

"Hey, I get it, okay?", he murmured softly, his face suprisingly open.

"Yeah, I-" Bilbo nodded and Thorin let go. "Okay."

Bilbo went to bed soon after dinner. Thorin would be staying on the couch.

It was strange to lay in bed and to know that his long lost (ex)lover was sleeping peacefully in a room beneath him.

His wrist was still burning, still remembering the touch.

Oh, how he had missed touching Thorin.

His head and heart were a mess. He was longing to go down and wrap his arms around his beloved. But at the same time he wanted to yell at him, because the empty feeling was Thorin's fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best!
> 
> I had this all typed out, but then my internet connection started acting up, sorry guys. It took me a few days longer.  
> Anyways...  
> Thanks for reading :)  
> Kudos and comments are highly welcomed as always.  
> [ Come and visit me on Tumblr :) ](http://sterekruinedme.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	6. Chapter 6

"Good morning", Thorin rumbled, his hair a complete mess. He yawned and stretched and Bilbo had to force himself to look away, because Thorin's shirt was riding up and now he was just being unfair.

"Breakfast?", he asked and avoided Thorin's eyes.

"Do you still make those amazing pancakes?", Thorin asked his voice light, almost teasing.

"Only if you still know how to make coffee."

They moved through the kitchen in sync, preparing breakfast and making space for each other as if they never forgot how. And maybe they hadn't. It was sickengly domestic.

In fact Bilbo thought he was ging to be sick. Because there was Thorin, still pliant and soft in his state of not being fully awake yet, sittig in his kitchen. And it was so normal. It felt so right.

And Bilbo couldn't breath. He couldn't-

Oh god, what if Thorin left him again? He wouldn't survive this twice. The first time had almost killed him, but again-

"Bilbo?"

Thorin's concerned voice broke through his almost-breakdown. "Are you alright?"

He took a deep breath and nodded, a bite of pancake halfway to his mouth when he sat the fork down again. "What are we doing here?"

"Well, I thought we were eating breakfast." Thorin was aiming for light-hearted, but he was watching Bilbo carefully.

"No, I mean- What are we doing here. Together." The taller man's face closed off almost instantly.

"We are trying." 

Bilbo took another bite, tryng to calm his racing thoughts. "What if it's not enough. What if you leave again, Thorin?"

Thorin shook his head violently. "I wouldn't do that to you. Not again. I won't."

"You said it yourself. Your duty, your family comes first." Blibo dropped his fork. He wasn't feeling as hungry anymore.

"Bilbo, I won't do that to you again. I promise. You wanted answers? Do it, ask me anything."

For a moment neither of them moved. Bilbo wasn't you if he was still breathing. His mind was overflowing with possible questions, so many things that had kept him awake at night for months. He finally decided on the question that had bothered him the most. "Do you still-"

When he broke is question off, feeling very small all of a sudden, Thorin stood up, knelt down next to his chair and took his hand in his own. Thorin's hands had always been bigger than Bilbo's. It had made him felt safe. Now it made him feel trapped.

"I never stopped loving you."

That was- 

He could work with that.

Bilbo took a shaky breath and nodded. "Okay."

He was grateful that he didn't have to return it. He wasn't sure.

"There were no others?"

"Never."

Again, Thorin didn't press, didn't ask Bilbo to give him anything. He didn't ask about the people he had been for the past months and Bilbo was so grateful. It also made him feel worse. He tried to hold onto the feeling of coming home to an empty home. An empty heart. An empty bed.

"So, how come I never met Thrain before?"

Thorin sighed and held out his hand for Bilbo to take it. "It is a long story."

"I have time"; Bilbo said and let himself be led to the couch in the living room.

They had time. Blibo had nowhere to be. Noone to see. He had cut all strings he had had left to his old life with Thorin months ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been in a relly bad space lately, I am so sorry this took me so long.
> 
> I just wanna take a moment to thank you guys, bc without your steady support I probably would have quit writing chaptered stories all together.  
> So thanks for every kudo, comment and hit. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart; thank you.
> 
>  
> 
> [ In case you have been wondering what I have been up to, I have written some oneshots for Bericaweek and I have gotten into the Hartwin fandom ](http://sterekruinedme.tumblr.com/tagged/updated)  
> 


	7. Chapter 7

"So, how come I never met any of your family or friends befor?"

They were sitting on the couch and Bilbo was finally allowed to ask all the questions he had always asked himself.

Was Thorin ashamed of him? Was he not out yet? It didn't seem to make any sense.

"My family is a bit, erm, different."

Bilbo raised an eyebrow, silently daring Thorin to keep speaking.

"I should probably start at the beginning, right?"

When Bilbo didn't answer, Thorin nodded and kept talking.

"My family is known for some of the, let's say, strangest collection of things. But we are not the most well treated or liked family. Anyways two years ago something was stolen from us, the arkenstone. My dad was supposed to watch over it for one of our clients, but he was attacked. They threatened to throw him into jail. It was a ploy. Smaug had stolen it for the orcs, the orcs wanted to hurt my family. A man called Arzog threw Thrain into jail."

Thorin took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. 

"We couldn't find him, we couldn't find the stone and we assumed the worst. We were pretty close."

Bilbo tried not to look like this was all too much for him, but honestly, it was.

"They sent my nephews after Smaug, but they couldn't find. Nobody could. So they came to me."

Thorin swallowed, a sad smile on his lips. "I didn't want to leave you. But the arkenstone in the wrong hands is dangerous. And I had to find my father."

The smaller man reached out, stopped his hand midway and let it drop back in his lap.

"I get it. I do. But why didn't you tell me? And why all those stupid letters?", he asked, trying not to sound too angry.

Thorin scrunched up his nose. “I admit those weren't my brightest ideas.” 

Bilbo huffed, but let him continue. 

“At first I just wanted to hear your voice when I called you. And I was still hopeful. I hoped to return to you soon. But then the time dragged on and on. I became desperate. I wanted you to be happy without me. But I missed you so badly. I couldn't let you go. Sometimes I thought I would die.”

“But you didn't.”

“No, I didn't.”

The smaller man nodded, lost in his thoughts for a moment. “Did you ever think about how those letters made me feel? You stopped calling. You stopped writing. I wasn't even sure if you were still alive. Then you tell me to move on. And I tried, Thorin, gods, did I try-”

Thorin flinched.  
“But I couldn't. And then you write again. I was so happy whenever there was a new letter. The only moments in the last few weeks I truly felt something were whenever I saw your handwriting. And then you write me that you will come home. But no, you wrote we, we will come home.”

He took a deep breath, his eyes unfocused, lost in the memory. “I thought that was it, y'know? I thought you would bring your new lover home. And I couldn't understand why. Why would you come back? To shove it into my face? I couldn't believe it.”

He shook his head, clearing his mind.

“Bilbo, I am so sorry, I didn't think, I-” Thorin got up and sat down next to him, reaching for his hand.

“I know. I am sorry too.”

Thorin frowned, dropping his hand. “What for?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just got back from vacation, so here is a little update. Gonna look for mistakes tomorrow, but if you find any; feel free to point them out to me. I'm off to bed now, cheerioh


	8. Chapter 8

Bilbo hesitated. “I was seeing someone. I am seeing someone. I mean, it is not-” He teared his eyes from Thorin's face, couldn't bear watching his smile crumble. “It is not exclusive or anything, but- I thought you should know.”

“How long have you been seeing him?” his face was closed of again and Bilbo hated it. 

“We met a few weeks ago. But it was nothing serious.”

Thorin sighed. “Thank you for telling me. I know that I have no right to be jealous. I myself am to blame for this mess.”

There was so much pain in his eyes, as he finally glanced up at Bilbo, that Bilbo couldn't tand it.

“Oh, Thorin. There was never-”

“I could never-” He stumbled over his own tongue, trying to get the words right. “It was always you. The part that was missing all this time. It was always you. And nothing will ever change that.”

“Bilbo-”, Thorin choked out. 

He wasn't sure who moved first, but suddenly they were both standing, holding onto each other desperately, grip almost painfully tight.

“My dear Thorin-”

Thorin pressed a kiss to his hairline, exhaling roughly.

Neither of them spoke a word as they separated. Thorin stayed close to Bilbo though, sitting down next to him, pressing against him.

They just listened to each others' breathing, content to be able to touch again. Bilbo leaning against Thorin's chest, Thorin's arm around his waist.

“Promise me something.”

“Anything.”

Bilbo turned around, facing Thorin, who was meeting his eyes without flinching. “Anything”, he repeated firmly.

Bilbo swallowed, the affection in his gaze overwhelming him. “Don't ever run of like that again.”

Thorin hesitated for a moment. “I can't promise you that things won't ever get bad again.”

“I am not asking that of you.” Bilbo smiled ruefully. “I know that you can't promise me that. But promise me that you will never leave me behind again.”

He closed his eyes as warm hands gently touched his cheeks, holding him in place. 

“Never”, Thorin whispered against his lips. And god, he had missed those lips, the strong hands, the taste.

“I love you”, he murmured, turning around and kissing the stunned expression from Thorin's face.

“I never stopped loving you.”

He could feel as Thorin inhaled, a broken sound leaving his mouth. Then he was held in strong arms, secure and warm and happy-

And he thought to himself that there would always be things trying to rip them apart. This universe wasn't a perfect place, neither was their broken little world, but there were people worth fighting for.

And some people were worth the wait, the heartache and the loss.

Some people were worth falling and crashing an burning for.

Thorin was worth it.

He would always be worth it.

He hadn't realised that he was crying until Thorin kissed his tears away. “Hey?”, he asked softly and Bilbo just laughed, happy and content and free.

“I just love you so much.”

The worry lines on Thorin's forehead faded as his face softened, his eyes shining with affection.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaannd, that is it. I just finished my first chaptered fanfiction. And god, it got sappy. And I may or may not have teared up a bit.
> 
> But after a drabble of 300 words turned into a fanfiction made of tiny 8 chapters, I think it is my right to say that I have grown quite fond of this little story. I may add an epilouge, who knows?
> 
> Thank you for all your support and patience. School is very demanding at the moment, and I really appreciate every single one of my readers.
> 
> Now that everything is done and said and written and I am tearing up again, I guess it is time to say goodbye.
> 
> (I will hopefully see you at one of my other stories though ;) )

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.  
>   
> [ You can find me on Tumblr](http://sterekruinedme.tumblr.com/)  
> [ You might wanna reblog the photoset for this fanfic](http://sterekruinedme.tumblr.com/post/112437344238/my-most-popular-fanfics-rated-by-kudos-4)


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